An Alternative Cabinet Reshuffle

So, David Cameron is set to announce a reshuffling of the ministers in his cabinet. Although, let's face it, now much is going to change, is it? A number of right-wing, Oxbridge-educated, middle-to-upper class, out-of-touch, neo-conservative little Englanders are going to be replaced with a different bunch of right-wing, Oxbridge-educated, middle-to-upper class, out-of-touch, neo-conservative little Englanders. So I propose to you, Dave, that you go with the following, to really rejig your government:

Chancellor of the Exchequer: Count von Count (replacing Gideon Osborne)

His well-documented love of counting things makes him the perfect man to replace Osborne- he's unlikely to be faze by such daunting tasks as tallying up the number of government functions that have erroneously outsourced to the private sector and how many school playing fields have been built over. He can surely also be trusted far more than Gideon to count (geddit?) how much tax he has to pay himself (for this reason, the currently unemployed Harry Redknapp must be ruled out of contention), and should also avoid the ignominy of being booed when presenting medals at the Paralympic games to the very people suffering the most under his cuts

 

Defence Secretary: Frankie Boyle (replacing Philip Hammond)

Two key facts here:

1. Britain has loads of cool shit for blowing people up currently going to waste in Iraq, Afghanistan & in numerous secrets bunkers, a few miles off the M27 near Southampton

2. None of you have ever heard of Philip Hammond

The appointment of Boyle as the man in charge of our weapons would eradicate both these problems (along with most of our enemies, whoever they are)

 

Culture Secretary: Mario Balotelli (replacing Jeremy Cun..er, Hunt)

The touting of this appointment does feel a bit awkward for this writer (regular readers will know that my affiliations lie with the other 3/4s of Manchester), but an "eccentric" individual such as Balotelli makes perfect sense as Culture Secretary. Just imagine the photo opportunities! Feeding the animals at Chester Zoo, parading a bizarre dress sense, promoting womens' prisons & helping boost fireworks sales that will get the economy going, both through the sales themselves & the resultant extra work for the emergency services